You're Being Smug! A Kyman Love Story
by MyShipsAreNotNormalButMUSTSHIP
Summary: Eric Cartman is a terrible person. A horrible, truly awful person to the highest degree. So why the hell, Kyle thought furiously, would he have saved Kyle's life, trusted Butters to keep it a secret, and not expect Kyle to demand a complete explanation in a pushy way that some people could consider...sweet? And what does Cartman mean by thinking Kyle is absolutely adorable?
1. Chap1 Butters Stotch Spills The Beans

**Hey guys! So this is the first fanfiction that I have posted on this website, not to mention the first one I've written in a really, really long time, so try to be nice to my "warped...fragile little mind". :P I haven't seen a story yet where Kyle finds out that Cartman saved him in 'Smug Alert!', so I'ma try it out! Tell me what you think! (BTW, Cartman and Butters are best friends and Stan and Token are going to be assholes. I'm just saying.)**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own South Park or anything except for the plot idea**.

Chapter One: Butters Stotch Spills the Beans

"H-hey, hey Kyle! Wait up!" Butters called desperately down the crowded hallways of South Park Elementary as he trotted as fast as he could up to the group of boys who surrounded their lockers. Kyle, in his usual orange jacket and green hat, paused in mid-conversation with Token to turn towards Butters. Kyle's eyes narrowed.

"Butters, I'm having a conversation with Token about the NBA. Make it quick. What do you want?"

"We-ell, hamburgers, Kyle, I'm sorry for interrupting you , but I was just wondering-have you seen Eric?" Butters wrung his small hands together and bit his lip in worry. "I tried callin' him on his phone, but he ain't answerin' for me."

Kyle expressively raised his eyebrows in a clear moment of disbelief. "Butters, does Cartman usually answer the phone when you call him?"

Butters shuffled his feet nervously. "Well, not exactly, but gee whiz, he at least says 'Fuck you Butters' in a text or somethin'. I'm just worried is all. Do you think he's alright?" This was true. Cartman did make an effort to text "Fuck you, Butters" at least once a day for the past couple of years. This, while not being kind, had helped Butters to at least not feel ignored. It had been four days since he had received this typical text and nobody was answering the door at Cartman's house. Talking to the fellas was a last resort.

At this point, the rest of the group of boys had drifted away from their individual conversations to listen to Butters. Stan scoffed as derisively as possible.

"Cartman probably ate too many Cheesy Poofs and threw up all night. Or better yet, he's so fat now he can't even move."

"H-hey now, Stan! Eric's my friend and he ought to be helped if he's not doing well!" Butters staunchly protested. "He's been feeling a little down in the dumps since Heidi left him and -"

Kyle chortled a small laugh before patting Butters on the shoulder. "Dude, Cartman's not worth worrying over. Believe me, he's fine. He's too much in love with himself to be anything more than indignant over Heidi breaking up with him." The other boys murmured in agreement, some even quoting the infamous voicemail in mockingly sweet tones (I.e, "I'm gonna kill myself, Heeeiiidddiiii!").

Butters stomped his foot angrily and, to everyone's surprise, suddenly pushed Kyle's arm off of him. "You don't know anything about Eric! He might not always be the nicest guys, but he sure as shootin' comes through for his friends in the end! Hamburgers, Kyle, he saved your life more than once!"

Stan stepped in again, remarking "He only saved his life when we were in Imaginationland because he wanted Kyle to suck his balls. Plus, we almost had to pay him for the kidney thing. That's not really coming through for your friends, Butters."

Butters didn't pay attention to the next thing he said. Worry for Eric had clouded his mind so much that a promise he had kept for a very long time came out before he could remember it was a secret. "Not the time Eric went to San Francisco and got Kyle and his whole family out onto the bus and then told me not to say anything-" Butters stopped himself and his eyes widened. "Oh, hamburgers! Uh-oh, I-I spilled the beans, didn't I? Heh." He gulped nervously, looking at the boys for their reactions.

Dead silence was draped over all the boys. A few dropped their homework assignments and the papers seemed to crash into the floor like sirens screaming, "CARTMAN ISN'T A HATEFUL BASTARD, THE WORLD IS ENDING". Still, nobody said anything for about thirty seconds. Predictably, Stan was the first to regain his powers of speech. "Butters," Stan said in disbelief, "that can't be true. Cartman hated San Francisco and Kyle, not even in that order."

"Aw, sweet Jesus," muttered Butters, beginning to really worry. "Don't say nothin' to Eric, fellas, alright? He didn't want anyone to know."

Everyone slowly turned to Kyle, who seemed to be frozen in place. There were about fifty wheels churning in Kyle's mind at that moment. Every single time Cartman had called him Jew, every time Cartman had tried to exclude him from the group, and every evil thing Cartman had ever done was fighting with the thought that once, just once, Cartman had saved the life and lives of his enemy and his family without asking for any recognition or recompense. Cartman had...done something good. And he had done it for the person who he always seemed to belittle and dislike more than anyone else on the planet. Finally, Kyle shook off a bit of the dazed look that seemed to be stuck on his face.

"Butters..." he managed to breathe out, "are you telling me the truth? Was it Cartman who saved me-my family?" Butters backed up a few paces, twisting his blue shirt into knots.

Token laughed incredulously. "Kyle, you don't fucking believe this, do you? Why would Cartman do this?"

"I dunno," Craig suddenly piped up from the sidelines, where he was quietly holding Tweek's hand. "I always thought you guys were gay."

"Me too!" piped Tweek, scratching at his stomach. Clyde and Kenny nodded in agreement as everyone else stood with their mouths gaping open.

"Aw, gee, Kyle, I don't wanna betray him," Butters mumbled, looking up nervously, "but yeah, of course he saved you. He needs you in his life, and if-if I can't reach him, maybe it's because you need to try, 'stead of me." Butters peered at Kyle's face. It looked like Kyle was once again trying to figure out if life itself was even real.

The bell rang at that moment and everyone dispersed towards their classes. Stan paused before heading off as Kyle didn't move an inch.

"Hey man, you coming?" Stan asked, nudging Kyle's shoulder.

"Yeah," Kyle managed to say as normally as possible. "You go ahead without me, I'll catch up to you."

"Okay dude," said Stan, giving him another nudge before walking to his class. Kyle stood in the empty hallway, strewn homework papers around his feet. He looked down for a moment and then turned around, walking away from the classroom where he was expected to the front doors of the school, muttering to himself, "I'm going to find out exactly what happened that night and if that son of the bitch has any hope of redemption as a fucking human being, I'll kiss him on his fatass lips before I punch his lights out."

 **Chaaapppttteerrrrrr 1! What'd you guys think? I'm not as happy as I could be with the ending, but I feel like it'd be a good jumping-off point for Chapter 2, if you guys want it! Sorry it's kind of short. Till next time, Kyman friends of mine!**


	2. Chap2 Kyle Broflovski is Tripping Balls

Chapter 2: Kyle Broflovski is Totally Tripping Balls.

If anyone happened to be looking down the street that Eric Cartman lived, an odd thing would have met their gaze. Kyle Broflovski was storming towards his friend's house. Now, this wasn't the odd thing as Kyle and Cartman's feud was common knowledge. The odd thing was that Kyle would stop about 50 feet away from Cartman's house, let off a few expletives, and then turn around to go back to school before stopping at the end of the road, letting off more expletives, and repeating the process towards Cartman's house. After Kyle had done this six more times, the front door to Cartman's house opened. He looked up, his heart skipping a beat for half a second before realizing that it was Liane Cartman. She stumbled out, her hair and clothes disheveled before clumsily locking the door behind her and going to her car. Kyle began to approach her, thinking that he could ask her about Cartman, as she got in, put the car in gear, and suddenly turned sharply. She came very close to almost flattening him.

"Ooh! Why, you handsome little thing, you frightened me!" she giggled, breathing alcoholic fumes out as Kyle jumped away from the car. "Ooh my, I need to go somewhere else." She drove away, moving her whole body back and forth to wave good-bye instead of her hand.

"Jesus Christ," muttered Kyle. He adjusted his hat and jacket before taking a few deep breaths and walking towards the door. "I can do this, I can totally do this. I'll just ask him nicely if Butters was hallucinating about an alternate time and space that has a nice Cartman, or if for some reason it was real." He paused in front of the door before knocking twice.

A loud bang sounded from inside the house before the all-too familiar voice of Cartman yelled. "MOTHERFUCKER! SHIT. NOBODY'S HOME, YOU ASSHOLE!" More rummaging seemed to occur.

"It's Kyle, you moron!" shouted Kyle, though at a slightly lower tone."Let me in the fucking house."

There was a pause before another bang occurred along with another "MOTHERFUCKER!". Cartman then said in a soft, whiny voice "Kaaahhhlll? Did you come to check up on meeee?"

"No, you fucking fatass, I came to talk to you about something, so open the door." Kyle jiggled the handle a bit, his forehead furrowing in frustration.

Cartman, on the other side of the door, grinned playfully. "But Kaaahhhllll, if you want to enter, you have to know the password." Kyle hit the door with the flat of his hand. The noise caused Cartman to jump a little, but still made him laugh. "That's not the password."

"Fatass, if you don't open this door, I will go in through your window and jump on your bed until it breaks." A couple of more hits on the door was really all Kyle's hand could take before it started stinging and he stopped to try and get the blood back in it.

"I'll say it was a long night of pounding incredibly hot babes." Cartman responded coolly. "Besides, my bedroom door is locked so you can't get into the house itself anyways."

Kyle's eyebrows became a perfect V. "That's it." He stormed away from the door. Cartman waited for a few terse seconds before venturing to say, "Kahl?". No angry comment came back. "Kaaahhhllll?" After there still was no answer, Cartman frowned in disappointment. Whether he fully realized it or not, he had really missed the zinging trade-off of insults with Kyle that usually happened almost daily. With a sigh, he began to walk back to the T.V screen.

Glass suddenly shattered behind him, practically exploding into the room. Cartman gave out a loud, high-pitched squeal, jumping back and staring wide-eyed at the broken window. A green hat bounced into view on the outside of the window before Kyle managed to pull himself up through it, careful to avoid the glass. "Cartman, you-you bastard," he breathed heavily.

"Kahl, Jesus Christ! I hope you know that you're paying for that with your fucking Jew gold," Cartman said, managing to compose himself enough to not yell. He noticed Kyle's face was red from exertion, but he also seemed to be pale and nervous. "Kahl, what's put the sand in your vagina now? Did you accidentally hit 'skip ad' on YouTube and now Leslie's mad?" Cartman laughed at his own terrible joke before realizing that Kyle didn't even seem to be listening to him. Kyle just stood there, breathing heavily, looking at him with this...frenzy that he hadn't really seen before.

"Fatass...Butters told me the truth. I know I was totally tripping balls at the time, but there's a possibility...did you fucking do it? Did you?" Kyle demanded, staring at him.

Cartman stared back, petrified. "What?" he finally said out loud, terrified of what the answer would bring him.

 **I'm sorry for the sort-of cliffhanger, you guys! Thanks to FonicsMonkey for the support and the great writing advice (I did try to incorporate it!) Hopefully, I will get the next chapter up soon and next time, I promise there will not be a cliffhanger. Pinky double terrific promise! :)**


	3. Chapter 3: Token's Ass Isn't That Great

Chapter 3: Token Black's Ass Isn't that Great.

Cartman blinked rapidly at the angry, redheaded Jew in front of him. There was a long moment of silence before he managed to say, "Look, Kyle, there is a very simple explanation-"

"So you DID do it!" Kyle said triumphantly, crossing his arms over his chest.

"No, I didn't do it!" Cartman defensively yelled, stepping away from his friend.

"Yes, you totally DID." Kyle took a step closer, his face a range of emotions from anger at having not known, shock at knowing now, and just a tinge of happiness that Cartman had actually done it. Eric Cartman had saved him and his Jewish family, whom Cartman really, really disliked, from a storm that wiped out all of San Francisco.

"Did NOT, Kahl!" Cartman took another step back and put his hands up in a soothing gesture. "Look, Kahl, Butters is a little fucking tattletale ((A/N: Thanks to Fetery for the line!)) and he lies about everything-"

"Butters doesn't lie, YOU lie," Kyle stated matter of factly, stepping even closer. By this time, he was practically pinning Cartman against the wall. "So why would you lie about this?"

"Kahl, quit interrupting me, you prick! I don't care what you think, but I swear on my mother's life that the piss in your apple juice was definitely not me!" A very long, silent pause stretched out between them as Kyle glared at Cartman in exasperation.

"Dude...don't make me kick your ass right now." Kyle stepped away from Cartman and sat down on the couch with a sigh.

"But I didn't do it, Kahl, I swear! It was all Butters!" Cartman shifted from foot to foot before noticing another strange thing. "Kahhllll...why are you not kicking my ass? At this point you're usually yelling. Or kicking my ass. Or both. You're acting weird, are you sick?"

"Sure, fatass, I'm sick. I am fucking sick and fucking tired of you constantly belittling me and acting like you hate me and then turning around and saving my life!" Kyle's voice rose with every word, his fists clenching and releasing.

Cartman paused for a moment, registering this, before finally replying. "That sounds like a personal problem, Kahl." Then, registering even more, Cartman looked offended. "I never saved your life, Kahl. What the fuck are you going on about, Kaaahhhllll?"

"Quit saying my name like that! And what about the Imaginationland fiasco?" Kyle pointed out.

"I had dry balls, Kahl," Cartman fired back before sitting on the other end of the couch. Kyle glared at him.

"The AIDS cure? Giving me your kidney?"

"I was tricked into giving you the kidney, even if it is the bad one, and I'm HIV positive that I needed the cure for me too." Cartman smiled in relief. "Look, now that that's over, can you go back to the whole hating-Cartman bit?"

"No. I want to know about San Francisco." Kyle closely studied Cartman's face. Cartman leaned forward and flipped the channel on the T.V until it reached Family Guy. He made a face and turned the screen off.

"Alright, Kahl, since you apparently don't know, San Francisco was a breeding ground for hippies in the 60's and your parents went there because apparently, being Jewish wasn't enough. They had to become the worst of the worst...hippie Jews." Cartman closed his eyes for a moment as if trying to banish this horror from his mind. "Then some asshole came and saved your life and brought you back here and now I have to fucking deal with you being all "But you saved my life, Cartman" and goddammit, I'm the one who's sick now. You breathed your Jew germs on me." Cartman made a big show of brushing himself off as if to get rid of the germs.

"There's no such thing as Jew germs, fatass."

"There might be!" Cartman then grabbed a bag of Cheesy Poofs and tore it open, eating with a fury. "All your Jew germs are making me hungry. If you're not gonna shut up and watch T.V, then go fuck Stan or something."

"First of fucking all, you turned the T.V off and I am not going to watch a blank screen. Second of all, I'm not even going to respond to your homophobic problems-"

"So you ARE gay!" Cartman crowed triumphantly. His fist pump sent Cheesy Poofs flying everywhere, causing Kyle to bat them away from his head.

"Not responding, you asshole. You are just avoiding the issue." Kyle pointed an accusing finger at him. "Now you better answer me for real this time. Did you or did you not save my life in San Francisco?"

"Kahl, why would I do that?" Cartman said innocently before swinging the bag of Cheesy Poofs up to catch Kyle's arm, which was about to smack him in the shoulder.

"You're doing it again and you better fucking stop it!" warned Kyle, grabbing the Cheesy Poofs and throwing them back at Cartman.

"As Token would say, kiss my black ass."

Kyle rolled his eyes. "Dude, Token wouldn't say that."

"That's because Token wants to preserve his ass for other black people."

"No, it's because it's a stupid saying and Token's ass isn't even that great."

Cartman grinned hugely. "Checking out Token, huh? I don't think Nichole would like that very much, Kahl. She'd probably kick your Jew ass before you could kiss his black one."

Kyle stood up and marched towards the door. "This is hopeless," he muttered. "I knew you didn't care."

Cartman didn't answer. He stared at the blank screen and slowly ate another Cheesy Poof.

"And besides!" Kyle whirled around. "If you think Token's ass is so great, that means YOU'VE been checking it out, which makes YOU way more gay than ME! Ha!". Another dead pause occurred as Cartman stared at Kyle with his mouth hanging open a little bit, as if it hadn't occurred to him that this could be turned around on him. "That's right, you fucking fatass! If you're gay, I'm a million times more gay! And I WILL find out for sure whether you are the one who put us on that bus or not!" With that, Kyle walked out the door.

Cartman sat there, a Cheesy Poof halfway to his mouth. The blank T.V in front of him seemed to play static before beginning to flash images from the past.

" _I'm sorry, little boy...your friend is gone. At least he won't have to suck anyone's balls now."_

" _Noo! He has a strong heart! He wants to live!" He couldn't lose Kyle. Fuck the stupid bet. This was about getting his best friend, goddammit the person he loved, back._

" _Goddammit Kyle! You never gave up on anything in your life, so fight! FIGHT! FIGHT!"_

The images warped to him and Kyle sitting in a hot tub of KFC gravy, of Kyle grabbing him and slamming him against a tree, all while the words " _Fight...fight..."_ echoed in his brain. Suddenly his eyes widened as it hit him-Kyle never gave up on anything. He would interrogate Butters, his family, and any other person who might know the truth...including...

"FUCKING SHIT!" Cartman yelled, leaping to his feet. He ran out his door, yelling "FUCK. FUCK THE STUPID JEW AND HIS FUCKING STUPID CURIOUSITY AND HIS FUCKING ADORABLE GINGER HAIR-" as he slammed the door behind him.


	4. Chapter 4: Ike Broflovski Ain't Trippin'

A/N: I'm so sorry this chapter took so long, you guys! I switched ideas for this one halfway through writing the first draft. I really hope you guys enjoy the living shit out of it! Thanks to everyone who's been so super supportive-my wonderful boyfriend (who doesn't ship it, but who still puts up with it :P ), to FonicsMonkey for the great advice, and to SuprSingr for giving such wonderful reviews on all my chapters, as well as to everybody who reviews and gives kudos! 3 You guys give me life!

Cartman had never really been much of a runner. Jesus Christ, he wasn't even a jogger, but in times of stress, Cartman could run fast enough to get to Kyle's house in about ten minutes. By the time he got there, he was wheezing heavily but managed to knock on the door. Unfortunately, Kyle's mom answered the door.

"Why, Eric! Shouldn't you be at school right now with Kyle?" she asked suspiciously, putting her hands on her hips.

"Mrs. Broflovski-" gasped Cartman, holding himself up on the door. "There is a perfectly simple explanation-oh, Jesus-behind this. Please-before I pass out, please tell me if Ike is home."

Sheila looked incredibly confused. "Well, yes, he is. His kindergarten teacher is sick and they haven't found a substitute yet. But you really should be at school, Eric. Why don't you just give me the message and go along to school?"

"Because it's fucking important!" Cartman yelled, managing to finally catch his breath. He then realized what he'd said and a look of terror came on his face as he looked up at her. "Ah, fuck."

Sheila gasped. "You do NOT speak like that to me, young man! Now you better go to school right now! I'm going to call your mother!" She slammed the door promptly, cutting off Cartman who was beginning to pretend to apologize. He swore again before sneaking around to the backyard. Mr. Broflovski was up on a ladder, trying to fix a drain pipe right near Ike's room.

Cartman pulled out his phone and quickly dialed Ike's number. It rang a few times before a "Hi!" was heard on the other end.

"Hey you little dildo, it's Eric. I'm outside your house right now and I need you to do me a favor. Why? What the fuck do you mean, why? I know I owe you more than you owe me, you little asswiper! Look, it's very simple. I will pay you ten dollars to do th-twenty bucks! My ass, twenty bucks! Fine, twenty bucks plus tax you fucking little Canadian!" Cartman groaned as he hung up the phone before looking up expectantly at Gerald who muttered and swore at the rain gutter. Ike's window slowly opened.

"Daddy?" Ike said sweetly.

"Yes, Ike?" Gerald asked, putting his face down into the window.

"I hope you know that I didn't mean to do this." Before Gerald could as what, Ike had given him a good, hard push. Screaming loudly, Gerald fell off the ladder and landed on a plant, groaning in pain. Cartman ran as fast as he could and climbed up the ladder.

"YOU LITTLE SHIT!" screamed Gerald, trying to get up. "SHEILA! SHEILA, HELP ME THE FUCK UP!" Sheila was at that moment completely ignoring her husband as she daydreamed about her little boys growing up, becoming lawyers like their daddy, and marrying nice Jewish girls. A good chunk of that would most definitely not come true, but she could still dream.

Cartman pulled himself into Ike's room and glared at the kindergartener. Ike had walked back to his desk and was sitting there in complete calm, surveying Cartman's state. "Did somethin' happen with Kyle?" lisped Ike, grinning a little as Cartman's cheeks became a shade pinker.

"Yeah, something happened! What happened is Butters fucking can't keep his mouth shut and told everybody about the stupid, motherfucking saving-Kahl thing, and now Kahl wants to find out the truth because he just can't handle not knowing anything. Him and his goddamn..." Cartman trailed off in a series of mutters and started to pace across the floor. Ike couldn't help a small giggle at this, but at Cartman's glare, managed to keep a straight face.

"Okay, Ewic, it's gonna be okay. Calm down, you are reminding me of my experience with puberty." Ike grimaced at the memory.

"I AM MOTHERFUCKING CALM, IKE, YOU STUPID KINDERGARTEN CANADIAN DILDO!" yelled Cartman before going back to pacing.

Ike lifted his eyebrows up very questioningly at this, but decided to move past it. "You know, Kyle was way worse than me when we had that acid even though he only took one hit and I had three. I think it's something about my Canadian constitution." The look of despair on Cartman's face said that this was not allaying Cartman's fear at all. "Kyle doesn't know that I found out about it, and no one else knows besides us and Butters, everybody who was on the bus, and anyone who has ever looked at your internet histowy. I think you awe safe."

Cartman breathe a sigh of relief before he suddenly realized something. "Dildo, do you remember when Kyle threatened to print out all of my internet history and give it to my ex-bitch?"

"Sure, I 'member." Ike nodded as he thought about it. "You're worried that he might have done it and can get to that information. Don't worry about it. You hold up your end of the deal and I'll do mine, even though I think you ought to tell him that you love him so you two can finally just fuck."

Right at that moment, Ike's door slammed open. The noise was really loud, but not nearly as loud as Sheila Broflovski's voice. "IIIKKKKEEEE! GET THAT LITTLE TWERP OUT MY HOUSE NOOOWWWWW! YOUR FATHER MIGHT HAVE BROKEN HIS BACK AND IT WILL BE ALL HIS FAULT!"

Ike managed to get out a terrified "Oh, no!" before running behind her and heading down the stairs. Cartman was halfway out the window by this time, but found he couldn't help himself. He cupped one hand and shouted with all his might, "YOU'RE A FAT FUCKING BITCH, MRS. BROFLOVSKI." She screamed in anger and ran towards the window, her hands stretched towards his throat. He waited until she was almost about to grab him before slamming the window down on her hands and scrambling down the ladder. He ran out of their yard and hid behind a bush down the road. He stayed there long enough to hear Ike be yelled at, Officer Barbrady called (who began covering the Broflovski's house as best as he could with yellow police tape), and everything to slowly go back to 'normal'.

Cartman sighed in relief before getting up, thinking that his secret was safe and he could go home. He was proven completely wrong as his phone chimed. He opened the text message, which read "Kyle has papers at school. You might want to get down there and stop him. I still want my fee." Cartman's eyes widened, and for the second time that day, began yelling about Kyle's motherfucking curiousity and stupid daywalker hat as he ran as fast as he could to prevent what, to Eric Cartman, was the worst thing that could possibly happen-having that stupid, ball licker of a Jew know exactly how much Cartman cared about him.

A/N: In the words of Ike, "Yayyy!" I'll post the next chapter as soon as possible. Please post more of those gorgeous reviews and tell me what you thought! Can't wait till next time! :)


	5. Chapter 5:Clyde Isn't The Brightest Bulb

Chapter 5: Clyde Donovan Isn't Exactly The Brightest Bulb.

The door to the classroom banged open. Kyle stomped into his classroom and sat at his desk, slamming his books down. The teacher turned and opened her mouth, about to give him an earful when she saw the look on his face that was almost Jersey-level scary. She quickly backed off and continued teaching. As soon as she turned around, Kyle felt his back being poked and prodded by at least four different people. He glared individually at Stan, Clyde, Jimmy, and Butters. "What?" he asked in a voice that pretty much said he was completely done with dealing with anyone.

"W-w-w-well?" stuttered Jimmy. "How was it?"

"How was what?" Kyle said in such a deadpan voice that even Craig looked at him in surprise.

"How was talking to Cartman about his extreme gay love for you?" Clyde asked in complete innocence. Kyle stayed silent for a good, long moment as everyone stared at him, breathlessly waiting for his reaction (except for the teacher, who just continued to drone on and on about the biology of the male body).

"Clyde," said Kyle slowly. "As much as I really don't want to sound like Cartman right now...if you say another dumb motherfucking word, I will kick you square in the nuts." He then turned back around to face the chalkboard, his face stony. Stan and Butters looked at each other for a moment before deciding that now was not the time to ask Kyle anything else about Cartman. They slowly moved back to their own seats.

"Now, as I was saying-" the teacher began as the door banged open again and Eric Cartman toppled inside, landing face-first on the floor. "Why, Eric! You're back to join us!" Cartman took a few deep breaths, and taking all his strength, managed to lift his arm off the floor and flip the bird in the teacher's direction before collapsing again. She merely shrugged and continued teaching. After all, Cartman was one of the rudest students in class, so making him speak up was not high on her list of priorities.

"ERIC!" cried Butters happily, leaping out of his seat and running over to him. "Oh, Eric, I was so worried! I thought maybe the aliens had taken you again-or hamburgers, maybe even the hippies! But you're alright now, aren't you, little buddy?" He put his arms as far around Cartman's prone, round figure as he could before sighing happily.

"Butters?" Cartman managed to say, moving his head around.

"Yes, Eric?" asked Butters brightly.

"If you don't-heph-if you don't get the fuck-oh God, I'm tired-Butters, if you don't get the fuck off of me right now-I'll tell your parents that you listen to Tween wave music whenever you hang out with us and you're going to get grounded." The speed in which Butters removed himself from Cartman was similar to the speed in which an adult heterosexual male removes himself from a One Direction concert-as quickly as possible and as diplomatically as can be expected to prevent mauling.

"I'm still awfully glad that you're alright, Eric!" Butters called from the safety of his desk. Cartman flipped him the bird and managed to pull himself into his seat. He managed to catch his breath and gave it a few seconds before turning to Kyle.

"So, Jew boy, I know something you don't know," Cartman sing-songed, trying to be as irritating as possible by leaning over and poking at Kyle's back with a pencil. Kyle bent over his desk and began writing down something, completely ignoring his friend. Cartman groaned in frustration and tried again. "Kaaahhhllll? It's a really, really cool thing that I knoooowwwwww and you should reeeaaalllllyyyy want to knoooowwww it toooooo," he drawled out in the way he knew Kyle hated. Kyle tensed slightly, but still made no remark. "Goddammit Kahl! Pay attention to me!" Cartman yelled, slamming his hand onto his desk. A few snickers were heard around the room.

"What?" Clyde asked in confusion, looking around at the main people who were laughing (mainly Craig, Jimmy, and Kenny). "Why-oh, I get it. Because of the whole gay for Kyle thing." Clyde looked rather proud of himself for reaching that conclusion.

The teacher turned around and glared at all of them before Cartman or Kyle could respond. "If all of you don't shut up right now, I will personally send each one of you to PC Principal's office." Everyone quieted down but still watched Cartman and Kyle breathlessly for their reactions. Cartman sat back and fidgeted nervously as Kyle continued to write, the two apparently completely ignoring each other. All the students sighed in disappointment before slowly getting back to whispering, passing notes, and pretending to pay attention.

Even though the bell was going to ring in fifteen minutes, the teacher turned to the class and said, "I'm stepping out for a minute to do drugs, class. I want you all to BEHAVE while I'm gone." Everyone murmured their assent as she stepped out. As soon as the door closed, Kyle whipped around and glared at Cartman.

"Alright, fatass, what is it that you know that I don't?" demanded Kyle.

Cartman grinned. This was more like it. When Kyle started to lose his temper, it meant that Cartman could keep the cool head and generally point the conversation in the direction he wanted it to go. "Well, you see Kahl," he said cooly, putting his feet on the desk and his hands behind his head. "As a matter of fact, I know who saved your life in San Francisco."

"Yeah, turdpants, it was you," Kyle pointed out, crossing his arms over his chest.

"No, goddammit, Kahl, it wasn't me so listen to what I'm telling you!" Cartman yelled before calming back down. "I know who actually saved you."

"Really," Kyle deadpanned. "And you just decided to tell me this now?"

"He didn't want you to know, Kahl! He was so worried that you might take it the wrong way or think that it was just because he is just that kind of person. The kind of good person who would sacrifice themselves-"

The teacher wobbled back in, forcing Cartman to pause until she sort of collapsed into her chair right as the bell rang. She waved them all out of the classroom, completely uncaring now that they weren't her responsibility anymore.

Right before Kyle could get up, Cartman jumped up, quickly thought of the most random person that he could, and told Kyle, "It was Token!" before heading out the door.

"What? It was not-No way! Fatass, hold up!" Kyle yelled, scrambling to his feet and running after Cartman. He was so focused on that ignorant asshole that Kyle didn't notice he had left behind what he had been writing on the desk. As the door slammed behind Kyle, Kenny got up, sauntered over to Kyle's desk, and 'accidentally' read what was on it. His eyes went wide. Butters noticed and came over.

"Hiya, Kenny! What is tha-" Butters began to ask, but before he could continue, Kenny put a hand over his mouth to silence him before showing him the paper. Butters' eyes went even larger than Kenny's had. "Oh, sweet Jesus, that changes a whole lot of things! Oh wow!"

"Mph-mph mph!" agreed Kenny.

A/N: Here ya go! BTW, this video had been so much inspiration to me lately! The Cartman edits, I just gah.  watch?v=JofN2u7hb2I

Kenny's translation: "Double wow!"


	6. Chapter 6:Kenny M is The Only Decent One

"Well, if you would just TRUST me on this, Kahl!" shouted Cartman, his arms folded over his chest as he leaned against the tetherball pole.

"When have you EVER given me reason to trust ANYTHING that you've said?" Kyle demanded. He was in his general arguing-with-Cartman position-his hands were thrown up in the air in exasperation, his eyebrows were drawn together in an angry V, and of course, he was very, very close to Cartman's face.

Cartman glared at the redhead in front of him. "Exactly! Token is trustworthy, whereas I am untrustworthy! I am a racist bigot who wants nothing more than to exterminate all Jews, especially-" he reached out and shoved Kyle in the shoulder. "-YOU."

"But you saved me!" Kyle insisted, pushing Cartman's hand away.

"No, I did not! Token did! It was very heroic! If you seriously think I would do that, then you're having a Jew-lucination!"

"I'm having a WHAT?"

"It's like a hallucination, but it's, you know, Jewish?" Cartman offered. Kyle stared at him for a good second before barreling back into the argument.

"There is no such thing as a Jew-lucination! And that's beside the point! You may be a fucking racist fatass, but you STILL saved me!"

"I DID NOT SO SHUT YOUR GODDAMN JEW MOUTH!"

As the bantering continued, everything continued around them normally (except for a few remarks on Kyle and Cartman being incredibly gay and that they should seriously just fuck. Nobody paid attention, though, as Craig and Clyde were the two who were saying it and Craig was, of course, gay himself and Clyde…well…in all honesty, nobody really was paying much attention to Clyde). The only odd thing was that neither Kenny nor Butters could be seen anywhere.

After a long five minutes of just listening to Cartman and Kyle and tightly pinching the bridge of his nose, Stan got up and tapped Token on the shoulder. Token raised his eyebrows in question and Stan motioned his head towards the side of the school, where Butters and Kenny most likely were holed up. Token nodded and got up, striding alongside Stan. The noises of the argument and Craig and Clyde's snickering faded in the background as they walked silently together.

Passing the Goth kids, who hurled a few insults about conformists but generally ignored them, Token and Stan walked around the large dumpster on the side of the school and saw Kenny and Butters were sitting on the ground, huddled together. They were murmuring worriedly over a small piece of paper. Stan walked up and tapped Butters on the shoulder.

"OH SWEET JESUS! ERIC, I'M SORRY! PLEASE DON'T KILL AND FEED ME MY PARENTS, ERIC!" shrieked Butters, leaping to his feet and pressing his back against the dumpster. Kenny glared at Stan before soothingly taking Butters hand and pulling him back down.

"Mmph-mph mph mph mph-mph," Kenny explained as Butters took a few deep, shuddering breaths.

"Yeah, we know that Butters is upset," Token commented, leaning back against the fence. "But out of curiosity, what are you doing?" Kenny glanced between the two stoic boys and Butters before sighing.

"Mmph. Mph mph Mph mph Mph-mph mmp-mmph?"

"The whole school can see them arguing. What's new about that?" asked Stan, seating himself comfortably on the ground and ruffling Butters' hair to try to cheer him up. Butters gave him a small smile, at which Kenny narrowed his eyebrows and loudly cleared his throat.

"MPH. Mph mph mph-mph-mph mph-mph mph mph mmph mph mph mph mph Mph mph mph Mph-mph," Kenny explained. Stan finally noticed the death glare that Kenny was giving him and slowly removed his hand from Butters' hair.

"It's pretty bad, fellas. I should never have told Kyle about the whole, the uh San Francisco rescue," Butters sighed, leaning towards Kenny who gave him a hug.

"Well, he was going to find out sooner or later," Token stated matter-of-factly. "What did Kyle write on this paper that you're trying to decide whether or not to give to Cartman?"

"Yeah, what's on it?" Stan chimed in, peering at the paper in Kenny's free hand, the other being around Butters. Kenny handed it to him wordlessly. "Let's see..." Stan began to read out loud as Token peered over his shoulder as well. " 'Dear Fucking Fatass'-well, at least we know for sure it was Kyle. " 'If you are reading this, it's because you finally admitted to saving my family and I in San Francisco, despite your ignorant and wrong sayings about us being "worthless Jews". This makes me think that I can finally tell you something that I should have told you a long time ago. Cartman..' " Stan's eyebrows rose to the height of his forehead. "H-holy fuck!"

"That was what we thought," Butters agreed, still being held by Kenny. "Well, hamburgers, fellas-what are we gonna do?"

Token took the paper from a shell-shocked Stan and continued reading it aloud. " 'Cartman...I guess I should call you Eric for this so you know exactly how serious I am. Eric Cartman, the Jewpacabruh is not a real thing. I'm the one who took your chains off and gave you the blue blanket that night. I didn't want to tell you and that was wrong. I know it was hypocritical of me after trying so hard to find out the truth about you, but I hope that I had similar reasons. This clearly means-'. It ends there," Token finished, sighing a deep breath. "Fuck. Well, you guys have fun with that." He tossed the note back to Kenny and began walking off.

"Wait! You're not gonna help us?" Butters wailed nervously.

Token shook his head. "Nope. I'm sorry, but I think Kyle should tell Cartman when he's ready and other than that, I'm staying out of it." He walked away from them and back to the playground, smiling as he met up with Nichole.

"Mmph?" Kenny asked Stan. Stan merely stood there, mouth still hanging open.

"My dad says if you keep your mouth open, wieners can drop into it," Butters told Stan cheerfully. "Well, that's what he told the guy at Wal-Mart who was looking at him kinda funny." This did not improve Stan's state of mind at all.

"Mmph mph," Kenny suggested, getting up and gently tugging Butters' sleeve. "Mmph mph mph mmph Mmph-mph."

"What?! What do you mean we have to tell Cartman?! We don't gotta tell Cartman!" Butters yelled nervously.

"Mph mph mph!" Kenny argued, tugging again.

"Tell me what?" a familiar voice came from behind them. Butters screamed loudly and jumped up, landing on Kenny who managed to catch him in his arms. Kenny looked at Cartman and gave a nod of welcome, as if Butters jumping into him was a part of every day life. "C'mon, you guys, what's going on?" Cartman asked in his 'pretty-please' tone of voice. "Kyle's being a dirty Jew and won't believe that I didn't save his goddamn ass from any fucking Smug storm-" he punctuated this with a glare at Butters. "-and if you assholes have anything that can shut him up, then give it to me."

"Give you what, fat boy?" Kyle asked, stomping up behind him. Butters and Cartman looked very worried, Kyle looked angry, and everyone else looked on complacently. Except for Stan, of course, who was still beyond shocked. One of the Asian girls came up and began to sketch him quickly as he was frozen perfectly in space.

Kyle and Cartman glared at each other. Butters clung tightly to Kenny's neck, choking him. Kenny didn't look overly concerned. Right there and then, next to the school dumpster...shit was about to go down.


	7. Chapter 7: Kyley B, I Swear I Missed You

"What's the matter, Kahl? Scared that I'll see your deepest darkest secrets, are you?" Cartman sneered, taking a step to one side. Kyle parried his movements automatically and stepped to the other side. 'It's like we're dancing,' Kyle thought to himself before quickly stepping on his own foot to stop that train of thought. The pain helped his head to clear, which made him realize what Cartman said.

"I'm not scared of you, Cartman!" Kyle scoffed, raising his chin defiantly.

"Uh, you, uh-you probably should be scared, uh, Kyle," Butters stammered nervously, clinging to Kenny like a koala to a tree. Kenny gently pulled Butters' arms away from him and sat him on the ground, where he proceeded to grab Kenny's leg and hold on for dear life. Kyle and Cartman turned to give the blondes quizzical looks (Kyle's was genuinely confused while Cartman's was full of fascination).

Kenny looked between them, weighing his options before sighing. "Mmph, Mmph, mph mmph mmph-mmph-mmph, mph-mmph?"

"What's not personal, Kenny?" asked Kyle, his eyebrows beginning to draw together in concern. Kenny then gave a small nod to Cartman and held the paper out towards him. Kyle saw a corner of the paper, realized what the paper held and as Cartman reached for it, he suddenly threw himself onto Cartman's arm, slamming them both into the ground.

"NO WAY, CARTMAN!" he yelled as they struggled against each other. "YOU CAN READ THAT AFTER YOU ADMIT THAT YOU'RE A LIAR AND THAT YOU SAVED MY LIFE!" Cartman attempted to rear his head back and read the paper from where he was, but Kyle effectively quenched his efforts by pushing his face into the ground. He glared at Kenny. "Kenny, what the fuck? What did Cartman do to get you to act like a-a-" he angrily spluttered.

Cartman managed to pop his head up and drawl, "I believe, Kahl, that the words you're looking for are 'butt-fucking traitor'," before Kyle pushed his face back down. Kenny rolled his eyes and leaned over as far as he could to try and push Kyle off without disturbing Butters' comfortable position. (It is important to note here that the Asian girl had, by this time, finished drawing Stan and was now drawing a very tangled version of Kyle, Cartman, Kenny, and Butters with a happy grin on her face). Kyle reached up to bat Kenny's hand away and accidentally lost his grip on Cartman in the process. Cartman joyously leaped to his feet and tried to reach for the note. Kyle let out a wild roar, causing Butters to scream. Kyle's eyes began to blaze with righteous fury and he held his head in his hands.

Kenny let go of him and took a step back with his free leg. "Mph mmph."

"Oh, shit," Cartman said in unison.

Stan finally broke out of his stupefied trance, blinking heavily before seeing the Beast-like transformation Kyle was going through. "Holy shit, dude! What did you guys do?"

"We uh, we were going to show Eric that little note that Kyle, uh, wrote," Butters informed Stan.

"Wait, WHAT? Why the fuck would you do that? Butters, you really are just an asshole!" Stan yelled down at him. Before Butters could defend himself, Cartman let out a small scream that caused everyone's head to turn. In front of all of them was…a Jersey boy named Kyley-B, complete in styled 'fro, gold rings, and a white tank top.

"You better not be showing any Benny that note, you fucking disrespectful pieces of garbage!" Kyle placed his hands on his hips. The Asian girl shrieked, leaping to her feet and running away as fast as she could. Butters clung tighter to Kenny, who by this point was certain that his leg was the same color as his Mysterion cape. He still watched with his usual bemusement (though it was undercut with a shade of worry). Stan looked at everyone back and forth, trying to piece together what kind of shit had happened since he had been out.

Everyone was so busy worried about Kyle that nobody noticed Cartman. Cartman smiled softly and murmured under his breath, "Well, hello there, my little monster. About time you came back."


	8. Poll Time (NOT a Chapter)

Hey guys! I'm sorry it's taking me so long to update this, but I need your help. Do you guys think that I should post a new chapter that focuses on a particular character? One that brings in a new character? I'ma make some suggestions down in the box. If you guys could comment and tell me which one you think would be best, I would absolutely love you forever! Thanks so much!

 **Chapter Text**

Bring In New Character Possibilities  
1\. CupidMe  
2\. Bad Irene.  
3\. Any Stick of Truth or FBW Character.  
4\. A sibling (Shelly Marsh, Karen McCormick, etc.)  
5\. Wendy or Wendyl Testaburger.  
6\. Heidi Turner, Bebe, or one of the other girls.  
7\. A Teacher (Mr. Mackey, PC Principal, etc.)  
8\. Any other possibilities?

Focus on Old Characters  
1\. Clyde  
2\. Butters and/or Kenny  
3\. Craig and/or Tweek.  
4\. Token and/or Nichole.  
5\. Any other possibilities?


	9. Chapter 9:It's a Cartman Kind of Heaven!

In Cartman's mind, several different people began discussing the next course of action. The two main sides of the argument were that of "We should kiss him and tell him that we don't care about the stupid note, we just care about him and his beautiful everything!" (which was the side headed by CupidMe), and "We should yell back at him and show his Jersey ass that we ain't taking shit from him!"(This was the sassy "Whateva, I'll Do What I Want!" girl in Cartman's head). Bad Irene also was featured in the argument, but she was mainly on the side of "Let's have his abortion!". Despite this constant and odd inner turmoil, Cartman managed to keep a completely straight face as Kyle glared at him.

"Kahl, listen-"

"The name's Kyley-B, don't disrespect it!" Kyle leaned against the brick wall, his brilliant red 'fro radiating Jersey power.

Cartman quirked his eyebrows just enough to show a small degree of contempt before saying, "Well, Kahley-Bey, I have a problem with you not letting Kenny, my best friend in the whole world, who despite being poor has shown that he can still hang out with normal people which is an inspiration to us all..."

"Mmph-mph, mph mph mmph mph," Kenny told Cartman. Cartman rolled his eyes before continuing.

"As I was saying, my problem is that you are not letting Kenny give me that note. What could be so bad on it, huh?" Cartman stepped forward, facing Kyle straight on. "What are you hiding from little me?"

"Little you?" scoffed Kyle. He threateningly adjusted his oversized golden rings. "You've got an ass bigger than any other fuckin' muffs in this town."

"It's bigger than New Jersey!" Cartman shot back before realizing that he had unintentionally insulted himself rather than insulting Kyle. "At least I don't look like a wannabe, reality-star ginger from fucking JERSEY!"

Kyle lunged at Cartman and they fell on the ground, rolling towards the dumpster and almost knocking into Stan, who was still, as usual, looking very confused. Kenny obligingly stepped out of the way, dragging Butters with him. Stan ran to them to attempt pulling them apart, but CupidMe (or in this case, Cartman's foot being controlled by CupidMe) tripped Stan and sent him sailing across the parking lot.

"Look fellas! Stan fell," Butters chimed, cuddling against Kenny's knees, feeling much more safe and sound now that Kyle and Cartman had each other's full, undivided attention. It was a major factor in how much he thought they should be together. The more that they fought, the less likely they were to direct their anger towards Butters.

"YOU FUCKING-FAT-" yelled Kyle, punching at Cartman's mouth angrily.

"OWW! YOU NO-GOOD JERSEY BRAT!" shrieked Cartman, holding his now bleeding mouth. The words came out as a garbled "OWW, WOO WO-WOOD WESEY BWAA!", causing Kenny (being the King of garbled language) to laugh heartily.

"Dude, are you okay?" Kyle asked, slightly worried. Cartman spit at Kyle's face, angrier than sin.

"NO KAHL, I'M NOT FUCKING OKAY!" he yelped, kicking at Kyle's freckles, which always seemed to get more annoying and somehow more handsome each time he'd see them. He was in serious pain, but it was more important to at least get a kick in at Kyle. Kyle sighed in exasperation, understanding the gist of what Cartman was screaming at him. He grabbed his struggling nemesis around the waist, helping him up and began to drag him to the nurse's office. Cartman'.s garbled yelps and Kyle's accented retorts faded into a background cacophony as they walked off, Kyle's arm tight around Cartman's waist As soon as they rounded the corner out of sight, Stan looked at Kenny and asked in confusion "Dude, what the hell?"

Kenny shrugged. "Mmph mmph mmph mmph-mmph, mph."


End file.
